sneek peek of wedding cake......

Well, today is the day we take off to Northern Colorado for our daughter’s wedding.

This week we have had two friends here with us from California and have spent most of the week working on flowers and cakes and putting quilting stitches into the quilt I put together for the happy couple.

Yesterday was especially hectic in that there are certain things that simply cannot be done until the last minute. So, yesterday morning at about 10 we started in on the final decorating of the cakes. We had so issues with frosting texture and these cakes being so moist and very tender, so a lot of time was devoted to just getting a clean layer of frosting on them. Decorating was easier, and they look pretty nice. I think they will look even better when we get them set up on the stands with the lace and the flowers.

We had just enough time to have a quick bite of lunch before it was time to head off to pick up the flowers. We decided to rest a bit and have dinner before starting into the flowers.

At 7 we began cutting and wiring individual flowers, and by 10 we had completed the bride’s bouquet, flowers for 4 bridesmaids, 10 boutonnières for various men to be honored and 9 corsages for various ladies. We also had a bucket full of flowers left that will be used as decorations on the tables, around the cake, etc.

So today, we’ll be packing up the van and heading off.

There will be lots of posting about all the festivities next week – with pictures!

OUCH!

Yes folks, that's my foot.

Don't you love the delightful blue at the base of each toe?

And then there is the puffy little knot just below the second toe.

mmmmm, note to self: do NOT set the leg of a heavy antique dining room chair down on a bare foot....it hurts!

Ok, so right now I'm really glad that my daugher's wedding (on Saturday --- THIS Saturday!) is not of the very formal kind that requires me to wear heels.....my lovely new white Crocs will be just fine, thank you.

Deja Vu of a different kind.....

I spent some time yesterday afternoon writing addresses on the envelopes that I will send wedding announcements out in.

Since this is going to be a small wedding, my daughter invited mostly just her very immediate family that lives in our area, and I am sending out announcements with a photo of her and her soon-to-be-hubby to the rest of the family and friends that are scattered about the country.

As I sat and addressed I had that odd sensation of "I've been here before", thinking about similar August evenings 24 years ago when I was writing many of these same names on announcements -- announcements of her arrival in this world.

Its been a very fast 24 years -- probably more so for me than for her.

As I recall there were a few tears spilled then too --- maybe not as many as our "love affair" was just beginning then -- I can tell that I best have several hankies in my pocket in 12 days -- I'm sure I'm going to need them!

its that feeling of deja vu

as I sat and watched, fascinated, horrified, at the pictures from Minneapolis.

Its been almost 18 years since the Loma Prieta earthquake in the San Francisco Bay Area, and those pictures last night were all too familiar.

It was made even stranger as I listened to Keith Olbermann describe the event in words that were poetic, beautiful even, regardless of the terrible situation.

Weirder yet that his was a voice we heard that night in October, 1989, as he was a sports caster then, in the Bay Area for the World Series games that were interrupted by the quake; suddenly turned news caster, describing the destruction around him.

And the reports of a hundred little miracles --- the school bus that didn't go over the edge; the Red Cross facility practically at arms reach; the Red Cross official that was ON THE BRIDGE and helped those kids get out of that bus as it lay at an odd angle; the whole class of student nurses in the Red Cross building to aid all those kids as they came off the bus ----- no sir, it was not any of those kids day to die.

Then the stories that rip your heart out as one young man described his last words with his fiance as she was on the bridge saying to him "the bridge I'm on is collapsing" and then the awful silence. I wonder if he has found her yet, I wonder if she survived or if she is one of the bodies they are searching for this morning.

And finally the anger at a political situation that has continued over the past 6 years to drum the word terror into our ears over and over until one of the first questions out of our collective mouths is "Was it an act of terror?" And yes, it was terror for those people on the bridge, but not THAT kind.

more thoughts about Harry Potter (SPOILER ALERT!)

As I said in yesterday's post, I'm going to talk about themes in The Deathly Hallows, so proceed at your own risk.

Over on her blog, novelist Erica Orloff has been talking about symbolism in her work and the work of other writers.

The symbolism in Rowling's work is pretty clear -- to me anyway. If ever there was a symbol in a modern day novel of Christ, Harry is it. He walks willingly and without fight into what he sees as his death with the idea that he will be saving his friends. Greater love has no man.....

The power of this final book continues to grow in my mind as I continue to consider all its meanings days after finishing it.

I finished reading The Deathly Hallows

last night. Ok, it only took me a week longer than all those kids that started reading as soon as they got their hands on it and kept reading until they were done, but I've had to do a lot of other stuff too!!

If you haven't finished and don't want it spoiled, STOP READING THIS NOW! I'm not going to spoil it for you on purpose, but I am going to talk about story themes!

In the area I live in, there is a large group of folks with a well know leader of their group that thinks they need to tell us what we should read -- a fact that annoys me not a little.

I think he could do with reading the Harry Potter series. One thing I have noticed and adore about Rowling's books is that no matter how dark things may look, good always triumphs. And at the base of that good is always love. If every kid that has read this series would be as willing as Harry is at the end to do the right thing our world would be a much better place.

In my opinion, though, there are still other books that could spring out of this series, even though Harry is no longer a student at Hogwarts.

I am awed as an aspiring writer by Rowling's ability to keep track of hundreds of characters and make each and every one of them a fully rounded persona....no flat cardboard cutouts here....she must spend hours writing back stories on every one of them.....no wonder she says she has lots of material that didn't make it into the books.

No matter what she writes next, I'll be lining up to buy it!

Odder and odder......

most peculiar things -- after posting last week about looking for a friend from high school maybe I'm just hyper-aware, but last night was WEIRD!

We watched a new show on TV called Saving Grace. While I would not recommend this show to any household with kids (WAY too mature subject lines), it was odd beyond belief.

For one thing, the actress that plays the lead role (Holly Hunter) reminds me a lot of my missing friend -- the body build, hair color, the "in your face" attitude. Then during the episode there is a scene where she's interacting with this black and white cow (which made me think of the seat covers in the '57 Chevy)

YIKES!

ok, I'm still trying to get someone to answer on that phone number in So Cal that's listed to Catherine Russo....so far it just rings and rings. I'll keep trying tho', after all, its summer and people go on vacation.....

looking for "closure"

Closure is a word that has come to mean something more than just to reach the end.

People who have had loved ones murdered look for "closure" in a death sentence for the one found guilty of the crime as if that will bring their loved ones back.

Certainly there seems to be a human need to "finish the book" and find the answers for mysteries unsolved. It is almost as if we are hard wired to keep searching for whatever it is we have lost.

As I wrote about yesterday, for some reason this case in Grand Junction, CO, where the mother of 3 children (Paige Birgfeld) disappeared has set me off trying to find an answer to my own "unsolved mystery".

This is a mystery that I have been puzzling over since the late 1970's. During those times when my life is crazy hectic I don't think about it as much, but it is always lurking in the back of my brain.

I understand to a degree the need to find even the body --- at least then you know the answer to the puzzle --- its the not knowing that makes you nuts.

So, in an attempt to help myself make since of this puzzle, I've decided to talk about it here. Who knows, its a World Wide Web, maybe by putting all this "out there" someone will know someone that knows something.....stranger things have happened!

My ongoing mystery has to do with the "disappearance" of a woman that I had known since childhood.

We were introduced by our school district in the fifth grade. I was transfered into the "smart" class (I hated how this was classified in the early '60s -- like we needed to be labeled?!). Like being the new kid on the block, I was a little lost and she was willing to be my friend.

We were an odd pair. She was the tall, thin, blonde and everyone in our little suburban town knew her mother. I was the scrawny, awkward, brunette that no one knew. Behind our respective pairs of glasses we saw something of a kindred spirit, and we just "clicked".

So it was from grade 5 through junior high school. We survived "Slam books", PE and not being invited to the dances together. Our first 2 years in high school we went to different schools, but as soon as we were in the same school again, we were together a lot.

She learned to drive and had her own car, (a 1957 Chevy - RED - that she recovered the seats in with unborn calf skin --- very interesting black and white "fur") and during our junior year in high school, we cut a lot of classes together. (Something that I'm not particularly proud of now, in fact I now consider it to be the reason I didn't find any direction for going on to college, which I think now was a serious mistake.)

She graduated in December ahead of me in May back in the day when girls who were married and pregnant couldn't stay in school.

Through the years she married a couple more times, and both of us moved to California, and we kept in touch until 1979. Then she just disappeared.

The last time I saw her was over Halloween of 1978. We drove to Simi Valley where she and her 3rd husband lived at the time. Her son had gotten to be a good looking 9 year old, and her mother (who's husband had died a year or so before) was living with them too.

At Christmas a year later I got a letter with pictures of her new baby and that picture of her dressed in a belly dancing costume. She said she was using the name Sheherazade and doing some dancing in a club.

That was the last letter. Later someone told me that her husband had said that she just walked away. I just can't believe that.

So, yesterday I spent some time on line looking in any place I could to try and find any record of her or her sons.

Among the many records I found a possible clue, and I'm still trying to follow it up. There is always that chance she did "walk away" but to another husband, and what name would that be? One record yesterday gave me hope that might be true, but so far I can't confirm anything.

So, here are the names, and if any one knows anything about these folks, I'd really love to find some closure here.

maiden name: Catherine Lillian Wilson
first married name: Bliss
second married name: Greening
third married name: Popp (husband's first name: Bruce)

sons: Edward Bliss -- I believe was adopted by Bruce Popp, so his name would be Edward Popp -- he was born in August, 1969, would be almost 38 years old now

Bruce Robert Popp (born in 1979, he would be about 28 years old now

the other clue found yesterday: there is a Bruce Robert Popp, age 28 in Southern California listed as having a relative named Catherine Lillian Russo, age 57

Yes, that sounds like a match, but so far, no luck locating a phone number for Bruce Robert, and no answer at the phone number found for a Catherine Russo....

I'm still searching.........

it reads like a mystery novel -- I think I know how it ends

the local papers have been full of articles about a Grand Junction woman (Paige Birgfeld) who disappeared the end of June.

She was working a dozen angles to stay at home with her kids and hang on to the big house she was granted in a divorce settlement....selling kitchen goods and maybe herself to do it.

It really does read like a mystery novel -- she visits with an ex-husband and never gets home; her cell phone goes right to voice mail even though she would never turn it off; her car found burning; then the discovery of the business no one knew she had -- yes, all the elements are there for a very bad ending....

It also reads very like a story I know from my past. I had a childhood friend that disappeared in the late 1970s. Supposedly just walked away from her husband and her 2 sons. Trouble is, I have never believed it. I just have never been able to find out much about it because we lived too far away from each other and we were notorious for not writing regularly.

I still have those last pictures -- her sons -- one as just a baby and one as a 10 year old in a Dracula Halloween costume she had made him -- and one of her, in her belly dancing costume, her blonde hair hanging loose below her waist, looking like there was no way she could be almost 30 and have had 2 kids.....

It is this huge unanswered nagging question......WHY? or maybe who? If I ever fall into some money I'm going looking.......

What I did on my Play Day

I have been fascinated by Artist Trading Cards for a while now, and I recently got a book that talks about a variety of techniques for creating special papers, etc., for them.

So on Sunday, I spent several hours working on different techniques and ideas.



This is the first one I did. I had scanned a map of the area of California where Nevada City is and printed it out.

Next I brushed a thin coat of gesso over the top, leaving the area that says Nevada City uncoated.

Then I glued the picture of the Miner's Foundry across the bottom and the little bear cutout (with a layer of torn tissue paper under it) in the top corner.

Finally I used silver gel pen to letter at the top.



The back ground of this one is a piece of paper towel that I had used colored markers on then sprayed with water to "bleed" the color. After I dryed it with the hair dryer, I used a rubber stamp of a bear.

The bear and the letters are highlighted with a glitter gel pen.



This one is my favorite of the three.

I used a rubber stamp of 2 bears sitting back to back. Stamping on black construction paper with bleach created the orangy looking back ground paper.

After the bleach had dried, I brushed gesso over the top to create the shadow effect.

Then I used a gold gel pen to do the drawing and lettering over the top.





After working on the art cards, I spent some time working on the altered couture project I have going. Having finished the bottom band and the neck band, I finally decided what color and pattern I would use on the button bands for the front.

This is a coffee colored yarn and I'm working a knit 2, purl 2 ribbing with an extra knit 2 in the center which will be where it gets folded over to make a double layer.

I'm working the button side first so I can keep track of how many rows it is then I can work out the right placement for the button holes on the other side.

It was nice having a play day and experimenting with new ideas. Now I'm ready to go back to work on the other projects!

Play Day!

Visiting the Art Festival

In the time we have been back in Colorado, we have made it a tradition to visit an area in Denver twice a year.

The original reason for this visit was that it is one of the few places in Colorado that has a specific restaurant that reminds us of where we called home for 30 years in California.

And so we make the treck to Cherry Creek at Christmas time (to look at the decorations, do a little shopping and eat lunch in that restaurant) and around the 4th of July when they hold a nationally known arts festival (and of course eat lunch in that restaurant!)

This year this trip had even more importance to me than usual. I had applied to the show this year -- and been turned down -- and I really wanted to take a good look at who my "competition" was.

For those of you who are not familiar with how this process works, when you apply to an Art show, you must submit photos of your work -- usually between 3 and 6 pictures -- and the "jury" (love the sound of that -- are you "guilty?" or not) determines from those few pictures rather or not you will have the opportunity to display and sell your work on the street for 3 days. (Oh yeah, and they charge you a fee to "judge" you)

Without sounding too much like I'm bragging, I'd like to say that I've concluded that my work is good enough to compete with the people that were judged "good enough". No one else in the entire show is doing what I do with the same materials, and my craftsmanship is absolutely as good.

The question then is, "so why didn't I get in?". And I believe the answer is that my photographs are not good enough.






These are the pictures I have taken of 5 of our pieces.








These are scans of the pictures of work from the artists that got in to the show.

One of these artists was willing to share with me who does her photographs. In fact, she gave me her card, wrote the photographer's name on the back and told me to tell him she sent me.

So, before we are again sending in applications to this kind of show, I will be trying to find out how much it will cost us to have this guy photograph a few of our pieces.

Meantime, I came away from the show with some ideas for some designs that are quite different that the last few pieces (which are of course quite different from what I was doing a year ago, or two years ago).

I also decided that I'm making myself a little crazy by working on things that are for sale 24/7. Hence forth I'm going to try to set aside one day a week to "play".

On "play" days, I will experiment with new materials, try different things and in general try to step away from the part of my art that I attempt to make a living from and enjoy different things.

I encourage all of you to try this too!

not knowing what day it is......

The confusing part of being at home during the week and working the weekends is that sometimes I forget what day it is!

This is especially true in a week that has a holiday in the middle! So, yesterday felt like Sunday to me, today feels like Monday, then I'll be totally confused until next Monday.....AAACCCKK!!

Oh well.

Hope you all had a Happy 4th of July and you don't have to work too hard today!

Off setting messages from the mail box.....

back in the middle of June (ok, so that was only 2 weeks ago) I had gotten a standard rejection letter from a publication in response to a picture I had sent of one of my pieces of jewelry. So, I sent off another picture shortly after that. Well, yesterday I got the same standard rejection letter for the second submission {sigh} I can't seem to finish the pieces as fast as that publication can reject them....nuts!

Think I'll send pictures of my newest piece to one of the other magazines.

Meantime, in the same batch of mail (along with the junk and the cable bill) was an invitation to participate in an indoor show aimed at professional women (much more the right customer for my work!) The show takes place in St Joseph, MO, and I'm thinking I got the invite because some of the University Women saw my work there last summer when I did a show in the park. Unfortunately, the show is the same weekend as another I show I have already applied for....well, guess I have a "back up" plan for that weekend, and maybe this one would be a good idea to try for next year.

My cousin called me yesterday afternoon to let me know his mother (my dad's sister, who just lost her husband on Good Friday) is having heart valve replacement surgery on Tuesday. After the testing was complete, the conclusion was that her blood vessels are in great shape, but she has a valve that is not working correctly, so they will replace it. She is 84 years old, and I was glad to hear that she wants to have the surgery as there are (in her words) "still things I want to do"!

Anyway, could all of you add her to your prayer lists for this week? Thank you so much!

feeling like an old fool.....

do you ever run into someone that just always seems to make you feel foolish?

You know the kind -- no matter what it is they do (even if you've been doing it longer), they do it better --

and when you say something, they have some more witty/insightful/eloquent way of saying it that makes everyone turn and look at them like you're not even in the room

you know, THOSE kind of people.....

just saying

The 10 meal chicken -or- using everything but the squawk

Part of the daily challenge for us is to eat healthy (one of us being a diabetic and one of us fighting high cholesterol) and still stay within a reasonable budget.

One of the ways that we try to do this is by shopping smart. We almost never buy any kind of meat that isn't on sale (we refer to this as buying "used meat" -- you know the kind, its within a day of the last sale date so the store marks it down by 50% so they don’t have to throw it out).

We recently were able to acquire a very large whole chicken on that kind of special. We paid about $6.00 for the chicken, and this is how we used it:

Day 1 – its to our advantage that we know how to cut up a chicken ourselves because its usually even less expensive to buy a whole chicken than one that has been cut up (after all you have to pay for the labor of the meat cutter if they do it)

On the first day we cut the chicken up into frying size pieces. That leaves 10 pieces of chicken: 2 legs, 2 wings, 2 thighs and 4 breast pieces.

I oven fried those pieces for meal #1.

The backs and all of the giblets and extra skin go into a bag in the freezer for making into soup on a cool day. That will be meals #2 and #3.

Day 2 – the lunch meal for both of us was a piece of chicken with macaroni salad. Meal #4 from Ms. Chicken

Day 3 – lunch meal for DH was a piece of chicken with veggies and fresh fruit, making meal #5.

Day 4 – lunch meal for DH was chicken and macaroni salad, meal #6.

Day 5 – We picked all of the meat off the remaining breast pieces and made 2 pans of enchiladas. We ate half of the first pan that night for meal #7.

The second pan of enchiladas went into the freezer and will be meals #8 and #9.

Day 6 – Finished off the last of the first pan of enchiladas for meal #10.

By my figuring, that means each of those meals cost about $0.60 for the protein source.

I don’t know how much longer we’ll be able to get a chicken that cheaply since the rising price of corn to the chicken ranchers will likely raise the price of chicken (and a lot of other groceries – like cereal, milk, beef and corn on the cob!) . But we’ll keep on searching out those used meat bargains!

Hot Cat Tires?!

I subscribe to a magazine that helps me sort out the art shows that I apply to. It also includes articles about doing shows, etc., including some really funny pieces about the strange things that have been seen at shows.

The current issue arrived yesterday, and I just had to share this paragraph:

A woman stopped at my booth and was drawn to the most expensive selection of art jewelry. She turned to her friend and, commenting on a high-style piece, tried to use the French fashion phrase haute couture {ot-ku-'tur}: "Now that there one? it's the Hot Cat Tire one."

This had me ROTFLMAO!!!! I can tell you it brought to mind the way we mis-speak, especially when we are trying to show off.

How about a little horsie do over (hor d'oeuvre)? [what is it about French that always trips us up? I know, its the odd spelling...don't they know what a consonant is???]

and then at our house there is the peeled cat. This came about from my husband saying as we traveled on the highway "look, someone peeled a CAP" meaning the outside tread off of a tire (you see these along the roads all the time)....but my daughter heard it as "look, someone peeled a CAT" ...... ok, maybe this is why she has such an odd sense of humor (she couldn't have gotten it from me!) and maybe this is why she has noticed that racoons laying dead by the road don't seem to have "blown up" on collision with whatever killed them (the research continues!)

anyway, just thought I'd share those odd thoughts with y'all today

What's wrong with American Idol?

For those of you who know me, you know that I don't do Reality TV. I find most of it to be rude, crude, boring and not worth wasting my time on.

There has been a lot of uproar this year about American Idol. It seems we can't really reward truly talented amateurs, but we can spend hours viewing, talking about, celebrating anybody that is willing to sell their soul to the commercial devil and act like an idiot on stage.

We could take a good long look at the British version of that show.

What's wrong with American Idol? Let's start with 2 of the 3 "judges" and one of them is NOT Simon.

If you want to hear what this show REALLY should be about, go listen to these two clips on YouTube.....and remember the name Paul Potts....you're going to be hearing it in the future

here

here

What we need is a show that is really interested in REAL talent not all that noise we've been hearing

Jewelry and "Grace Notes"

Yesterday I was talking about a piece I had submitted for publication. Since there seemed to be some interest in seeing what it was, I've included a link here so you can go and check it out on my other blog.

Meantime, just a preview, here are pictures of the three newest pieces I have completed.

Tigereye Necklace

Verisite Necklace

Malachite Necklace














Yesterday a new column appeared in our local paper entitled Grace Notes. Nicely written, and she takes on some subjects that I've been talking about here.

In her column she says: "I believe language is powerful, especially poetry, that words can be weapons or gifts, that healing is always possible, and that we are each more holy and worthy than we think."

If you'd like to take a look at the whole column (and some of her earlier work too), this link will take you to her column.

Its a pleasure to see some POSITVE thought in a newspaper among all the reports of murder and war.

papering the walls with rejection slips.....

a while back I had submitted a picture of a piece of jewelry to a magazine for consideration of publication

yesterday I got the standard form letter saying they are not interested....

{sigh}

When sending in jewelry there really are only 2 or 3 magazines, so its pretty limiting....

guess I'll send in a picture of one of the new pieces and see if they like that any better....

just where is Broadway going?

We watched the Tony awards last night.

I give it a mixed review.

Opened and closed by one of Broadway's Grand Dames, Angela Lansbury, I can't help but wonder what she thinks of the piece that swept up so many of the awards. I was disgusted by it....if I want to see that kind of obscene language and artless stomping around I could just go see a movie....

There were, however, some brighter parts of the show. The host of awards to The Coast of Utopia which is a 9 hour play series with some of the most AMAZING costumes I've ever seen.

And except for the scene from the big winner, the scenes from the musicals were great. I think I'd like to have a cast recording of the new Kander/Ebb production Curtains....it feels like good old time Broadway musical style ... and CLASS!

What is "Art"?

PBS recently did a 3 part series titled Craft in America. Because it ran at 2:00 A.M., I recorded the programs for watching later (ok, some mornings I'm awake then, but I try not to make a habit of it!)

This of course afforded me the pleasure of enjoying the entire 3 hours when I was ready (as well as being able to pause it for a break as necessary without missing any of it).

I watched the entire tape in one sitting the other evening, and it was excellent. Well produced, great music behind the scenes (I HEAR those tunes, even find the lyrics swimming through my head even when they are just background to a scene).

PBS (and most of the rest of the world) classifies the work of these artists as craft (real ART being only those who paint I suppose). I feel honored to be part of that amazing group as well.

It was interesting to hear one of the people who works in clay talk about his work as "a statement of what makes me angry", and his work reflects that, beautifully executed but dark.

My vision of my art (and a good many of the other people presented in the program) really has 3 parts:

Part 1 Can I make you smile?

A good many of my plush creations fall in this catagory. I work with fabrics and other accompaniments to create almost cartoon like animals and birds. Plush, especially at the adult collector level is much more about comforting the soul of the collector, and I tend to do this in ways that also makes my collectors smile.

Part 2 Is it beautiful?

This is what I do when I work with beads to create jewelry or other beaded things that are decorative. The search for beauty in our sometimes confusing world is what makes this more joy than work. Its challenges keep my mind working as I create each piece as a one of a kind work of "art".

Part 3 As offered prayer

The icons and the eggs created with religious symbols are made more for my need to connect than with thought of being able to sell them.

As we watched the tape, my husband commented that he did not have my discipline to work on things when we were not scheduled right away for a show.

It really is not discipline except in terms of what it is I'm working on. Since I was very young I have made things with my hands. The creative process is ingrained so deeply that I am convinced I brought it with me from the world before my birth. I can not imagine NOT making something (and it has lead me to experiment with a huge number of materials and projects).

If you are at all inclined to create things with your hands, I highly recommend you try to see this PBS series.

So, what is art to you?

How far is too far?

This little blurb appeared in the Denver paper yesterday morning.

Personally I think this is just a little over the line....it disturbs me that we are using these kind of product names and images to sell something....

I'm convinced that this would NOT be what Jesus would drink....and that this would bring on another incident of tossing the money changers out of the temple......

just saying.....

thoughts about art and its process

Over at The Colourguru there is some pretty awesome art work to take a look at.

One of the things that caught my eye was a bit on the side of the blog that talks about the process of making art. The question being posed was rather it is the striving for quality or the continuous process of quantity that makes for great art.

The conclusion was that we must keep DOING to grow and that it is that growth that makes great art.

I have felt for the last week that I was pretty much stuck on most levels, and consequently have not accomplished much. There is a major economic component to this situation, but there is also something else that is part of the mix.

For a while now I have tried to work on pieces that are something that I think I can sell.

With the animals this is definately true as I have long since stepped out of the "I'm a collector" mode, and I have no real reason to make these otherwise.

The jewelry pieces are also pretty much in this mode as I don't wear much jewelry myself (just a narrow gold wedding band is pretty much it).

A while back I had started in on the drawings and planning for a triptych of the archangels, and I was looking forward to working on that piece. The comments of a potential collaborator on the piece that it wasn't good enough to do anything with prompted me to just put all the drawings in a folder and file it away.

Here then are the issues of my frustration:

1. If my collaborator is no longer interested in working on this, how do I do anything further. The faces and hands are essential and that is generally the work of that collaborator. So now what?

2. If there is truly nothing in this piece that gives me any chance to sell it, how can I justify spending what it will cost to make it? (Ok, there probably isn't any justifing possible, given the current situation)

3. Is there some other way (so far nothing has come to me)

And so such is the state of my inactivity of late.....a sort of irritated restlessness because I'm not really working on anything and it annoys me.....

Perhaps I should just go work on something else entirely.....inspiration for something would be good!

thoughts on being "stuck" ...

I came up with an idea for a contemporary story about a week ago, and started in like gang busters....even wrote something that resembles an outline, (which is definately out of character for my usual approach) and even started the first bit of the beginning chapter, then I got totally stuck.

What is this about? Hmmmmm, partly because I am drawing from very real, very close to my life characters, writing this is a little scary....sort of like "writing will make it so" and since the whole premise of the thing is rather dark at the beginning, maybe I've just paralized myself with big time fear.....

So, I guess I need to go back to fundamentals and work on character descriptions, etc., while I work through this fear thing.....

Odd place tho'

understanding why

As I talked about here we will need to have about $500 of work done on our car this week.

I'm not complaining about what it is that must be done in terms of the work (new struts are a maintenance thing on cars), just the timing. Usually for this kind of things we plan ahead for a couple of months which gives me the time to put aside the money we need to have the work done.

So, I've spent a lot of time trying to find a way to get $500 out of an already very tight budget, and it will just be one of those months where there's no extra money for anything that is not absolutely required.

Along the way, I decided to take a look at what is really happening to our money, and found some interesting facts. Here is my brief list:

1. Income -- (by this I mean the income I KNOW will be there, which means only my husband's social security and his pension -- all of my income is purely a "maybe" proposition since I have no job, I'm too young yet to get my pension or social security and selling art is a "maybe" sort of thing.) Between the end of 2001 and the end of 2006 our income rose by 4.69%

2. Utility Bill -- (I'm taking this on the average billing over a year, and its worth noting here that while we used to keep our house at about 70 degrees in the winter, this past winter we turned it down to 62 degrees -- we tried 58 degrees, but both of us just ached too much to handle that) Between the end of 2001 and the end of 2006 our utility bill rose by 76.77%

3. Groceries -- (I'm basing this entirely on one commodity since I don't keep all of the receipts from the grocery store) Between the end of 2001 and the end of 2006 the price of a gallon of milk rose by 66.99%

4. Gas -- (Okay, every one already knows this has gone crazy!) Between the end of 2001 and now, the price of a gallon of gas in our area rose by 176.47%

5. Health care -- (at the end of 2001 I was still covered by the group health insurance plan with my husband's retirement. As soon as he became eligible for Medicare, the price for my insurance skyrocketed) Between the end of 2001 and the end of 2006 the cost of just the health insurance premiums (not actual medical or RX costs) rose by 600.26%

No wonder our budget is at the breaking point....

In my daughter's eyes.....

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
(Martina McBride)


This is the cover of the lovely (THICK!) blank book that my daughter gave me for mother's day. Inside she wrote "To the woman who taught me how to be a butterfly"

She also brought me one of her now famous compilation CDs, full of wonderful, uplifting thoughts, including the song I have quoted part of here.

Every year at Mother's Day she reminds me again of the very special relationship we have. I rejoice that we are now closer than we have ever been, alternately bouying each other up when one of us is having a down day. It also makes me a little sad that my own mother and I have not had this kind of relationship.

But for today, I am feeling blessed.

Thank you daughter! I hope you have a child just like you!!

Ready for my close up, Mr DeMille.....

Marty, over at Travelin Oma posted her "interview" and has invited me to do one of my very own.

She posted 10 questions and let me choose 5 to answer, which has been kind of fun and in ways more difficult than I imagined it would be.

So, here are the 5 I answered:

What are 3 pieces of advice you would give a new bride?

Now I’ve been thinking about this of late because my “baby” will be getting married in August. I don’t feel all that qualified to give her advice on this subject, although my husband and I have managed to make it work for a pretty long time. After some serious consideration, here are my 3 most important ones:

1. Never go to bed angry -- this may mean you have some long nights, but you’ll feel better for it in the long run

2. Remember that you are equal partners -- he should not expect you to repress all that you are for his convenience, and you should not expect him to either. Your differences should build the strength of your union, don’t forget to celebrate them and allow each of you some space to continue to develop who you are.

3. Talk about EVERYTHING – the worse thing for building walls between you is the silence of not talking about things. If you are afraid to talk about something(before you are married) get it cleared up NOW or it may tear you apart later.


What is a talent you wish you had developed more fully?

Music. Everyone in my family had some kind of musical training, and I love music, but I haven’t ever had any formal training. Before my daughter was born I had taught myself to play Moonlight Sonata on the piano (hours and hours of practicing it over and over, yet I never got tired of it). I’ve pretty much forgotten how now.


What did you do this week that made you happy?

I’ve begun working on two very large beaded pieces that will go into frames. I love the planning stage as much as seeing the completed piece, as it involves spending hours with colored pencils and graph paper and bead catalogs.


What kind of music sings to your soul? How?

I love all kinds of music – classical (The Pines of Rome, The Planets (especially Jupiter) and New World Symphony) But in a lot of cases what I like best is the power of music and lyric combined.

My daughter makes these wonderful mixed CDs that are a combination of whatever music has struck her fancy at the time, and they always include Broadway musicals, pop and country stuff. (I loved the time when I was still her driver to everything…there was always a tape or a CD in the player and she would sing along…and patiently let me “warble” along)

There is a special power in that combination of music and lyric that enables me to remember the words to something I haven’t sung or heard in years. (Now days I’m fascinated by the fact that the TV commercials are using the music of my youth and I still remember the lyrics!)

Who is a person that exemplifies courage to you, and why?

My great grandmother. She was born in 1863 in Arkansas, the youngest daughter of a Confederate soldier and his wife. She was married in Indian Territory and had 8 children. Her first daughter died when the house they lived in burned down. Her husband was killed when a horse kicked him in the chest. At the time her youngest son was 2. She lived until 1969 – I actually remember visiting with her in the little house on Pecan Street in Nowata, OK. What an amazing life she lived, being on the frontier, moving across the plains in a covered wagon, and seeing space travel become a reality. And it took a lot of courage in that time for a woman to be alone….she was a widow for over 60 years.

And now folks, its your chance! You too can be interviewed! Here's how it works:

1. If you want to be interviewed, leave me a comment saying "Interview Me!"
2. I will post 10 questions, and you choose to answer 5 of them.
3. You will leave the answers to your questions in my comments, or tell us to go to your blog where you may decide to post the questions and your answers.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others (1-5 participants) in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them 5 questions of your choosing, and the interviews go on....

So, now the camera is backing away and Norma Desmond is being lead away....the close up is over................

What do I believe

Yesterday morning I was listening to the mass from Notre Dame and in the homily I heard this: “We want belong somewhere. We want to make sense of our lives; we want to draw closer to God.”

It occurred to me that I have been on this little “journey” of questioning for a while here, trying to find that sense of belonging.

If such a thing can be said, I am a religion mutt. Let me explain what I mean by that. When I was a child, my parents didn’t go to church. My dad had been raised by a very “my way or no way” Baptist minister father and my mother’s parents were faithful church going people. Perhaps in rebellion, my parents never went, someday I would love to know what kind of conversation went on between them about this subject, because I know they met in church, but by the time I came around, they had quit going.

I used to spend a lot of my weekends with my mother’s parents (actually a lot of my young childhood was spent with them, I don’t really remember my folks except in a couple of painful incidents until after I was 5).

My grandmother took me to the Baptist Church with her. I learned scripture verses (whole chapters sometimes, like I Corinthians 13 – and I still like the beauty of the King James version), I like the singing part of church too, both of my grandparents sang in the choir. Baptists don’t have an arbitrary time when children are baptized, you have to “feel the call” of the Lord and “go forward”, thus making a public declaration that you want to become part of the body of the church. I did that when I was about 10, and a few weeks later on a Sunday evening I was baptized and became a member of the church – my parents didn’t show up for the occasion. One of the strongest memories I have of that event was getting to choose the hymn that was used, and the feeling of the power of the music and the lyric to speak my feelings about it.

The problem with the situation was that I was only part of the church on weekends….we lived clear across town, and I certainly wasn’t getting any encouragement at home for this activity.

A kid can only fight the tide so long, so by the time I hit high school, I was deemed old enough to be home alone (and take care of my little sister too), so there were no more weekends with grandma, and I just quit thinking about the church pretty much.

Sometime in my teens, I had a long conversation with a Catholic friend (I was intrigued by the rituals), and she gave me a pearl rosary that had been her grandmother’s (it is still a treasured possession).

And so it was until I was in my thirties. Along the way I read about reincarnation and Rosicrucians and Edgar Cayce. I took classes in college in comparative religions.

In my early thirties I met a couple of Mormon missionaries. I was at a particularly vulnerable point in my life, and I desperately needed to belong to something that gave me some sense of having a safety net. So, I joined them. But eventually, I drifted away.

And most recently, I became a member of the Catholic church, but at this point I can’t really say I’m a practicing Catholic either.

Part of this reluctance is that actually going to a church service is full of land mines that I just would rather not deal with.

So, having said all that, I have begun to think about actually stating what it is I believe in.

1. I believe in a loving Father God. I believe that He created the earth and all that is on it, but I have no issue with science’s theories about how He did that – He is God and can do these things in any way He sees fit.

2. I believe that Jesus is the Christ. I believe that he was born to The Virgin Mary and that he died on Calvary to save the world. I believe that His act of salvation extends to every person that ever has or ever will walk on this earth.

3. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the third part of the Trinity, the messenger “voice” of God that can speak to and guide every one that will listen. I believe in these three as separate “bodies” of the same mind, that they act in concert for the betterment of every individual.

4. I believe in grace. Every person that ever walked on this earth, except Jesus Christ has sinned. I believe that is part of our nature. I believe that we are all sinners, and that sin can not enter Heaven. I believe that we are each responsible for our own sin, but I do not believe that we are responsible for any one else’s. We can not “save” ourselves. We are expected to do the best that we can and we are “saved” by the grace of God through Christ’s sacrifice for us after all that we can do.

5. I believe that beauty is one of the things that lead us to God. I see the creation of art, especially art on a spiritual theme, as prayer.

6. I believe that we were allowed to be here so we could learn new things. I do not believe we are meant to spend our whole lives suffering. I do not believe that a loving Father God wants us to always be miserable any more than I as a parent want my child to always be unhappy. I believe that through our own bad choices we will sometimes suffer. I also believe that sometimes bad things happen to us with out our doing something wrong. It is at those times that I personally have the most trouble accepting and dealing with them, and it is then that I have the biggest problem not blaming myself for them.

So there is a beginning. Now the question is “where do I belong”?

Its a love/hate relationship.....

I love going to Nevada City for our annual bear show.

Even when its not a good show financially, I love seeing the people there that I only get to see once a year.

I love the wonderful old (over 100 years!) building the show is in.

I love getting to have some time after the show to visit with my artist friend in San Jose.

I love walking down the street in the town I lived in and eating lunch at the little restaurant, sitting outdoors (in April!) at the quaint little metal tables, actually having a friendly conversation with strangers.

Thing is, it also means I hate to come home. After all these years, it finally dawned on me (ok, I'm SLOOOOOOWWWWW!) why have seem to have this "funk" that sets in for a few days when I return.

Aside from the "I've traveled for 2 days and I'm tired" thing, I come home to the ordinary, mundane things that eat up our lives....laundry and grocery shopping and paperwork (ie: paying the bills).

That walking down the street for coffee and talking to people and writing at the table and sharing art with friends is the life I want to live. Unfortunately, it seems I'm sort of stuck with laundry and snow (yes, its snowing here AGAIN!) and isolation.

Yes folks, it reminds me of a lyric from a Broadway show that only ran one night: "...another life, I want another life.....and every where I ever go, I'm someone who they want to know..."

on "classic" education.....and not being intimidated

I've been reading a book titled Starting from Scratch by Rita Mae Brown. She has some very strong ideas about what you need to do to be a writer. Last night I decided that she's entitled to her opinion, but not everything she says is required.

She is a strong proponent of the idea that you need to have a college degree (preferably 2 or 3) and be able to read in Latin (required) and a couple of "modern" languages (French, Spanish) to be able to write anything worth while.

Here’s what I have to say to Ms. Brown: ”Pfffffffsssssst!”

I went to public schools. In fact, I attended what was at the time the largest elementary school in the state. This was in the 1950s in the suburbs. We were “taught” to read with “See Jane Run”. I’m convinced it was good my grandmother had already taught me to read—I was bored out of my mind by the end of the first week.

My husband, on the other hand, attended Catholic school (ok, he’s 13 years older too, and a lot can go down hill in that long) – and he got a “Classic” education. He’s read philosophy and classic literature. (He and my daughter discuss Dunne and Kant---she has a college degree)

So, as I was saying, I went to public schools, I never had the opportunity to go to a 4 year college….there’s a huge gap in my “classical” reading, but I can recite from memory parts of Robert Lewis Stevenson and Longfellow’s Hiawatha. My grandmother was an educated woman (a woman born in the 1890s who went to college!), she loved poetry, she recited it to me.

I much prefer Julia Cameron’s idea …. We have the RIGHT to WRITE. We live in this language (and help it to grow).

Again I say ”Pfffffffsssssst!” I’m going to keep on writing!

Christ is Risen!

Happy Easter!

While the weather here looks more like Christmas than Easter, we are thankful for the promise of spring and of new life that come with Easter.

Christ is Risen!

He is Risen indeed!

thinking about endings and beginnings.....

As I write this, we're not sure if we will be leaving for California earlier than originally scheduled next week.

We will be doing a show there next weekend, but I've gotten word that my uncle (who is 96 years old!) probably will be gone by Easter.

I have some wonderful memories of this man, and I was pleased to actually get to spend some time with him after I was an adult and learned to appreciate him as a person, not just a relative. I feel especially glad that when we did our show last year at this time we got to spend a day with he and my aunt and enjoy their company.

My aunt (who is my dad's sister) is 13 years younger than he, and has talked to me several times about the idea that she fully expected at some time to be alone. Even so, I know it will be hard for her, and a big adjustment. I feel a sort of special connection to this woman for reasons other than that she is my aunt.

So, my uncle has lived a good life. And now he's going home. What an interesting time of the year for the ending of his life here, but of course it is just the beginning.

feeding the obsession

This lovely arrived in my mail box yesterday afternoon....a birthday gift from my daughter.....its so nice to have a daughter that is your friend!

This book contains 366 off the wall, whacky creative exercises to flex the brain, especially a brain that is stuck in writer's block!

Such a great gift!!

I've been spending my writing time each morning in a sort of brain dump exercise, (babbling about memories, places, odd people at the store) this week. I'm still having a hard time creating the bio for the Civil War era character, its difficult making a real sounding character when your fact sheet is just a list of dates and places. I think I'll get it eventually!

....back to work!

on being a year older

actually I don't feel any older than I did yesterday, there's something that happens along the way with age....I'm only one day older than I was yesterday, even tho' I now will write down a different number

I've been working this past week on trying to actually get some research done for an idea that's been perking for a long time. For years I've had this little notebook with ideas and descriptions and timelines in it for this idea. The notebook is one of those smaller, non-spiral ones that usually have a mottled black and white cover, only this one is pink. Right now I don't know where it is.....I've finally started seriously working on this and true to form, I've lost the notebook.

After a bit of searching I've decided to just forge ahead. I know I'll find the thing and meantime there are a lot of ideas floating in my head that I'm trying to get down on paper (ok, into a Word file!)

The obvious main character for this thing is a man, and I just can't seem to get into the idea of writing it from his point of view, so I'm working on ideas to write it from his wife's point of view instead....

and so it goes.....

I've been thinking about a lot of other things too this week. As we are approaching Easter, last night I was watching the Reconciliation Service from Rome. Part of the service was about asking for forgiveness for those 7 Deadly Sins....it set me to thinking about one in particular -- Pride

Which led me to this question: how do we achieve humility without beating ourselves up? Isn't there a difference between boasting and simply acknowledging the compliment given?

For as long as I can remember I have had the desire to be the best at something and have everyone know it. I never before thought of that as sin. An interesting thing to contemplate.

finding a life, part II

WARNING!! This post contains major whining! Proceed at your own risk!

A bear artist I know has gotten a contract from a manufacturing company to design some pieces.

I'm happy for her, but it did send me into the "why can't I ever" etc., etc

I had thought (ok, probably set myself up to be disappointed) that being the featured artist in a publication would give us a boost and create enough interest to generate at least one order -- it didn't

So I'm trying to be less angry about my inability to "break into the big time" and have that kind of success with these things -- I guess just finally giving up fighting it and deciding its never going to happen. After 25 years I think anyone that's ever heard of us either likes what they see, or doesn't and changing isn't near as effective and making the "right" impression in the first place

I wonder actually if the market is at a saturation point and I'm just not creating what the market is looking for. Certainly our attempts to make any sales through the internet have had only very limited success, and shows are fun, but not real cost effective right now.

We'll be doing all new stuff for the April show -- a sort of test with new animals, new set up

I guess I'm looking for a "sign" here -- is this inability to "make it" a message that I should change direction? Who knows...

I know that I really enjoy doing the beadwork too, but there are a lot of the same issues with the selling venue there too....shows are LOTS of work, and sometimes you get zilch for it....

So where is this all going? I'm not at all sure, I just hope I know it when I see it....

anger turned in.....

someone defined depression that way in a piece I read recently.

Ok, maybe in the way of a 12 step plan.....hello, I'm Bev, and I'm pissed....

only problem is a lot of that anger is not only turned in but directed at every STUPID choice or act I've ever made or done......

and raging at not being able to find a way to fix any of it....yes folks, I'm a "fixer"....they say that is a man's trait, to want to fix problems....well, I either want them to get fixed or have them go away

and have no clue how to make either thing happen

......I saw a picture of that new glass shelf over the Grand Canyon, where you can look 4000 feet straight down......no thanks.....I'm doing my own version..........standing in mid air with no net

and then there is fear.....

my husband and I had a shouting match a while back and he said THOSE words..."you're just like your mother" .... to which I think "say it one more time and I'm out the door" except that some days I'm afraid I might become her, and that is pretty scary ....

its always about money ... ever notice people fight about that a lot .... but of course its being afraid of what happens when there isn't enough of it that causes the trouble for me.....

when I was a kid my parents declared bankrupcy....they were just in over their heads because of ... well, I don't really know why, which is part of the problem -- they never talked about it, they never explained what was happening, and the only thing I knew was that people were coming and taking things -- the car, the new refridgerator -- and I didn't understand ... and I was afraid ... and there you are

which I guess explains why I'm struggling right now, trying to find ways to make a little more in whatever (legal) way I can.....loosing that consulting job hurt a lot, and since it just fell into my lap in the first place, I don't know how to find another one

finding a life.....

We're musical junkies at our house. That is, we will watch musicals over and over, and sometimes interject parts of dialog or lyrics into our day to day conversations.

One of the musicals that my daughter loved and watched over and over and over was The Sound of Music. There is a line where Mother Superior is talking to Maria and telling her that the walls of the convent can't be used to hide behind, that she has to find her life.

It occurred to me recently that in a way that is what I am doing once again.

We spend a lot of our lives looking to some future event. When we are very small we look forward to going to school. When we are teenagers we look forward to driving and graduating from high school. Then we progress to looking forward to getting married, having children, building a career. When our children are growing up, we go through the stages again: sending them to school, having them graduate from high school and college, then getting them married.

We are at that stage in our lives. We are no longer part of any corporate job. Our daughter has graduated from college and will be married in August.

So....now what?

I saw an article in the paper yesterday about a 96 year old man that has just had his novel printed. He's working on the sequel and has a third book in the planning. He talked about writing to fill the time.

A couple of weeks ago I clipped an article about a woman that ending up writing her novel when she was injured and was confined to bed for a lengthy period of time.

I'm considering papering the wall around my computer desk.

The articles whisper to me "don't give up"....

the internal critic says "who do you think YOU are?"

its an dialog that sometimes keeps me awake at night........

So, I guess I need to find my life.....

music, music, music

my daughter sent me the most wonderful email ..... a whole page of links to YouTube music clips....wonderful things:

Josh Groban doing musical theatre (Anthem from Chess, Soundheim's Not While I'm Around, and The Music of the Night from the Phantom of the Opera)

Mandy Patakin doing pieces from Evita

Brian Stokes Mitchell and Audra McDonald doing a piece from Ragtime

I love it! More, I want More!!

I'm the only one in my family that has never had any kind of musical training....but I love it just the same.....bring on the bucket with the lead lid (required for carrying a tune, you know), and I'll warble along with just about any kind of musical theatre.....

(ok, I confess, I did teach myself to play the piano....I wanted to play Moonlight Sonata, and at one point, I actually could -- probably not exactly the way it should be played, but I loved the fact that I had mastered the notes in the right sequence all the way through....practice, practice, practice!! Its sort of like wanting to run before you can crawl, which probably really describes my approach to a lot of things!!)

I'll be humming all day.......

what's wrong with us?

In our area this week it was revealed that a group of junior high school kids (boys and girls) used their cell phones to take nude pictures of themselves and share them around.

Today the news reported that all of them may be charged with crimes that will require them to register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives.

HELLO!!! What's wrong with this picture?

Lets see: we expose them to sexual content their whole lives, they see the girl on American Idol "strut her stuff" and get publicity for it, they see Britney Spears walk around half naked (or more) and get rich. Then when they try to mimic what they see, the "justice" (??) system is going to punish them and ruin their lives with the sex offender thing.

Now, don't get me wrong, I think this whole thing was a bad idea, but the folks that need punishing is the parents!

Why does a 12 or 13 year old need a cell phone with a camera? Why are they being allowed to idolize Britney? Why are they being allowed to watch American Idol and Survivor and Anne Nichole's TV show? Why doesn't anyone thing they need to PARENT anymore?

Let's take each and every one of the mothers and fathers of those kids and think of some appropriate punishment for them, and someone help those kids sort out what was wrong with this whole idea.

observations.....

on Sunday mornings if I wake up early enough I listen to Mass from Notre Dame. This morning in the half hour before that, I listened to a very interesting program.

The encouraging part of the whole half hour was this: depression is a medical issue: it does not mean you don't have enough faith or that you are stupid or that you are morally weak or that you can "snap out of it" by force of will (that is like saying you can "snap out of" having high blood pressure)

Somehow there was some real comfort in that.....

...wishing.....

a while back I was invited to complete an application for a writing course, and since filling it in didn't cost me anything but a bit of brain exercise (a good thing!) I did it.....

now I'm almost wishing I hadn't because I got a letter yesterday inviting me to sign up because they liked what they saw....

trouble is, there is no way that I can afford to do this even on their tuition time payment arrangement.....

guess this shall be logged under the "better to have loved and lost" catagory.....{sigh}

8 weeks after the storm.....

(after the first of the 6 storms, actually) we FINALLY see some effort by the city to clear our street.

Notice this is a road grader....or perhaps a road "grater" since they took so long to get to us that there were long sections where the folks on the block had already dug the stuff out.


So this is the little pile they made and then cleared away.

Because it took them so long and the storm drain was blocked by ice, the ice and the chemicals everyone had used on their sidewalks just sat on the concrete for the better part of the last 8 weeks. I noticed this morning that there a several large patches on the sidewalk and the driveway where the concrete is now flaking away because of the chemicals and the freeze/thaw cycle.

Oh yes, and this morning its snowing again.....{sigh!}

...on being afraid.....

Marty (click here to see) was writing the other day about the things she is afraid of, which set me to thinking about it too......

So I have decided to write some of those thoughts down.....

1. Heights --- don't ask me to go to the edge of anything above the ground (maybe it has something to do with being afraid of falling too)

2. That my body will outlive my mind --- I hate the idea of being a babbling diapered burden

3. That something will happen and I'll end up a bag lady on the street, living out of a shopping cart

I've been thinking about trying to put a lot of the hidden fears and thoughts into a character for a story, but I'm wondering how I can do that and not set off a storm of trouble with (or for) the people around me.....I begin to understand why some writers feel the need for a pen name.

confessions.....

I like driving down a residental street in a strange town in the dark.

I look at the lights in the windows and wonder about the people who live there. Are they happy? Are they loved (and do they know it)? Are they lonely? What do they dream about....laugh about....fight about?

I've realized lately that I grew up in a sort of bubble. When people my age talk about things that were part of their commonly shared experience, I have no idea what they are talking about. I get to just nod and smile and silently feel like the stupidest person on earth.

Its not that I don't remember things....I remember plenty, way back to when I was only 2. Some of those really early memories are just pictures in my head, but I do remember.

So, here are just some of those things I mean that people talk about:

1. going to the movies with friends
2. playing on the playground of the school other than at recess
3. going to summer camp
4. going to a dance
5. reading from a required reading list
6. take a lunch from home to school
7. picking on someone on the playground (I was the someone they picked on)
8. learn to dance
9. participate in some kind of sports
10. take music lessons

When my daughter was growing up, I did everything I could to make sure she didn't miss out on any of the things the other kids got to do (safely and within reason, that is)....in a way, I got to experience a lot of things for the first time as an observer to her life.

I'm sure I made my own mistakes along the way with that, but at least I tried. I've joked that being the mother of an attractive daughter is an interesting role....you're mostly invisible.....its a role I'm well suited to

Self discovery at my age is painful. This sort of self guided mental health therapy is interesting to say the least. I've discovered that I'm good at teaching (or being in charge of something) and I'm okay with being the "worker bee" behind the scenes, but I have no idea how to do the social thing in between.

So now I'm trying to deal with my own "night terrors" of a sort.....the DH wants to go and do square dancing. He says it will be good exercise. He says it will be a way to meet new people. He says it will be fun.

I'm making him set it up, I'm having enough issues trying not to run screaming....I'm sure I will be a total klutz...I have no idea how to dress...and what do I say to these smiling, dancing people who have some common connection. Never mind, I'm sure they won't talk to me anyway except to correct my errors.

pondering and reflecting........

I've been cleaning out old files the last couple of weeks, its something I just tend to do in the "dark days of winter" in January as I do taxes. Probably this is something left over from spending 30 years in corporate accounting offices.

Yesterday, as I was cleaning out one file and putting documents through the shredder, I ran across a letter dated February 4, 2001, that the last corporate boss I had wrote commending the work I had done to get the department through a rather ugly year end.

At the time I'm sure I just was thinking about getting the work done, and it feels rather odd six years later (on the same date no less!) to reflect and remember. As I handed the letter to DH to read, my comment was "someone used to value what I did".

Sort of bitter sweet in terms of the fact that I think I've been "phased out" of the accounting work that I'd been doing for a local company. Of course for them its all about economics....they have a "friend" that will do it cheaper than what I charge....hmmmm, I wonder if the "you get what you pay for" logic will apply here....ah well.

It just seems to be human nature to look back and regret....hence the ever present list of online questions always seems to include "if you could change one thing in your life what would it be"......a hard question to answer for those that believe that every choice made impacts every other choice given.

Whittier was right when he said: "the saddest words of tongue or pen, are these four words, what might have been"

Meantime, the Denver paper yesterday put out its annual "Call for Entries" to write a for a column that appears weekly in the Sunday opinion section. They want 2 sample columns of 600 to 700 words and a cover letter. I sent in essays last year and was turned down, so now I'm pondering on doing it again. (If I'm collecting rejection slips, at least I'm sending stuff in!!) What I need, tho', is a couple of ideas to write about that I can get excited about. Deadline is Tuesday, Feb 20, so I have a little time, but not a lot.

So, anybody got any ideas?

wearing 3 shoes....who knew?

Ok, I guess I was wrong.

There was yet another shoe to be dropped after the last post.

Monday I had to put 2 new tires on the van and have it aligned before it was safe to take it on the road.

DANG! Just when I thought 3 was the magic number....(here we're making the sign to ward off the evil eye, hoping this new event isn't the beginning of a new 3 some!)

This time I was ticked off enough about the cause of the problem that I fired off a hot letter to the dealership about the total incompetence of who ever did the vehicle inspection before we bought the van (unless, of course, they just lied to us about that happening).

Seems this month we can't catch a break {sigh}

Looking for a window...(the other shoe has dropped)

Ever notice how "bad" things come in threes?

Maybe I'm just nuts (ok, we'll discuss that another day), but it seems that bad things always happen in clumps.

I've now had my 3 in the last week, and I can say, I'm glad the clump is over now we can get on to recovering.

Item 1

Last week we went out to go some where, and the van wouldn't start. Nope, battery dead as a doornail (what DOES that phrase mean?), and this was the 4th time we had found this condition. And since I had already used up all of my alloted AAA calls, I had no choice, I called the dealership and told them that we had "the issue" AGAIN!

Much to their credit, they sent one of their techs with a booster box and got me started, then I took the van to them to figure it out.

Over the few months we have had the van I have gotten to know a lot about it. Through some miracle, the folks that owned it before us had left a receipt in the glove box that had a phone number on it. I got bold, I called the guy and asked him if they had ever had this issue with the van. He said yes, so I questioned him further about the DVD player that had been installed in the van. He had put that in the weekend he bought the van, so he couldn't answer my next question which was -- did you have the problem before the DVD player went in.

So, my thought was that the folks that installed the DVD player (Circuit City) had installed it with the electrical connection ahead of the starter so it was always on and draining the battery.

Well, after 24 hours and a lot of testing, the dealership found the problem ... guess what ... I was right.

So, the wiring for the DVD player has been REMOVED!, and I got to write a check for $311 to the dealership. (At least now the problem is fixed!)

Item 2

Then we had the furnace issue. Waking up to a COLD (even by our standards) house and getting to spend just under $200 to have the ignitor unit replaced on Monday.

At that point I knew there would be something else ... its that clump of 3!

Item 3
The other shoe dropped yesterday. (that's another phrase I'd like to know the origin of)

Since August I've been doing bank recons and account analysis for a small business locally to help them try to get onto a corporate basis from just being a small "mom & pop". The guy has been paying me at the rate I had originally asked him for, and I was making enough to cover the increase in payments going out for the van and my health insurance.

Yesterday when I delivered the December recon, he told me that they had some friend of theirs that was a Quick Books guru working on the inventory and other things, and for now at least he doesn't have anything else for me to do for them.

NUTS!

So, there we are...now I need to find some way to make up that difference......

We believe that when a door closes somewhere a window opens.....so, I'm looking for a window

Slaying the Dragon....

I've done it again.....submitted something for publication.

Two things actually -- one is a sheet of paper dolls that I just finished, and the other is an article about a teddy bear's make over.

These both went to an online magazine. I was emboldened by receiving a notice from the self same Ezine that an article I had submitted back in December is going to be used in the upcoming issue......WHOOOPPPEEE!!

I don't get paid for these other than the free publicity about my work to a much larger audience than I can reach any other way, so its pretty good!

As soon as the issue comes out, I'll post links here.

Now, I just need to keep at another writing project I'm working on.....

Letters from home......

I have a dear friend in California that sends out an email about once a week to a long list of folks that I am blessed to be a part of.

Usually she writes it and sends it out (actually her daughter does the computer part) on Sunday afternoon, and I get to start my week by reading what I consider to be "news from home".

Even at this point, I have still lived more years in California than anywhere else, so it really does feel like home.

I should also add that this charming lady is an accomplished artist, so she notices things an artist would notice and shares them with us all.

This week's letter included the following: "The hills to the East have a green tinge to them." ...and... "The hummingbird (or another one) has returned. She is sitting in last year's refurbished nest on two eggs"

Oh, to have the hills in any direction from us have a green tinge! I am well and totally sick of winter, as we cleaned another 5 inches out of the driveway yesterday for a total of about 8 inches for this weekend's storm. (and I see in the long range forecast another storm for NEXT weekend --- please! say it isn't so!)

I love reading her letters and hate reading her letters....wondering how many days this week I'll feel homesick......Bless you June, for helping me remember that spring will come -- eventually!

Do I seem like an atheist to you?

Recently someone said to me "I sometimes think you are an atheist, its like you don't believe in anything".

Now this is troubling.

And since there was no specific example of what I had said or done that was cited to give me some opportunity for explanation, I'm now left wondering what it was I did -- or didn't do -- that gave someone that impression.

I will admit to having had doubts. Its not that I don't believe that God exists, or that He knows what's going on down here. But I can say that I've never had that "flash of lightening" feeling that people talk about. I guess that's reserved for folks that are already WAY ahead of me on this level.

So to a large extent I guess I feel like I'm sort of stumbling along, trying most of the time to be a good person tho' I'm not always, to give back to folks with less than I have.

I'd like to have that "I'm sure of it all" feeling that some folks say they have, but I guess I've taken too many detours along the way.

Administrivia and trouble makers

I'm beginning to wonder if there is an active brain cell left among the administrative employees in this area.

Example #1:

Early in December, the DH was given a form by his doctor to get a handicap placard for the car. When we started filling in our part of the form, we discovered that the doctor's office had not had her sign the form, so it had to go back to her office to be signed.

After the form came back to us, we didn't get over to the DMV because of the 3 storms back to back.

Well, yesterday seemed like an opportune time, so off we went to the DMV, form in hand to accomplish the deed. But NOOOOOOO, there was a number missing! So I called the doctor's office, from the DMV and asked for them to give me the doctor's medical license number (required on the form by the State), and was told by the administrative employee that she could give me that information over the phone because it was "private information" --- HUH!? Then she told me she'd have to check with the office manager and call me back.

She finally did call back, an hour and a half later, after we had given up waiting and returned home.

So today the form is in the mail box waiting for the post man to carry it back to the DMV. I hope we've finally got it right.

Example #2:
This morning we got a phone call from the office of the specialist that the DH is supposed to see tomorrow asking us if we had the referal paperwork. WHAT?

Here's the deal here: when we first called (back in early December) to make an appointment we were told they needed the referal. I contacted the primary care doctor and asked them to take care of that for us (its SUPPOSED to be their job). About 2 weeks ago, the specialist's office called and said they had the referal and we made an appointment.

Ok, whose wires are crossed here?

On second thought, maybe it isn't all administrative employees, maybe it just the medical ones -- what do we expect from a system so seriously broken?!

And my second "rant" for today has to do with troublemakers.

Why is it some people are just not satisfied unless they are stirring up past history and flinging accusations?

Having just had an encounter with this issue, I am mightily tempted to reply point by point with both barrels (preferably of a shot gun full of rock salt!)

And of course that response makes me unhappy with feeling that way, having been told as a child that someone always has to be the "bigger person" in a disagreement, and that it should be me (why me always?)....

But sometimes it seems a little righteous indignation and a setting of the record straight might go a really long way to putting a halt to this kind of assault in the future.

Maybe I'll get to have my say someday.....

tax screaming

I've spent a good deal of time the last 2 days working on taxes.

First we organize all the little pieces of paper into piles of what they are: medical, business, contributions, sales tax, income

Then its on to the spread sheets -- I should note here that effective Jan 1, 2007, I am converting all my business stuff into QuickBooks, so there will be less of this next time, but there will still be medical

And then there is the reviewing to be sure I didn't duplicate anything

and the downloading of forms from the IRS.gov site where I can take just the pieces I need (including from the instructions) but even so, I have a hefty stack of paper to wade through

I may run screaming from the room!!! (how did I do this at work for all those years without being certifiable --- oh, yeah, now my secret is out!!)

how did I write that?

yesterday, as we're driving off to the store to pick up a few things, the DH says to me "why don't you see if there is some place that you could submit a short story"

hmmmmm, well, uuuuhhhhh .... here's the issue my friends: when I was in high school (yes, low, nearly 40 years ago) I wrote short stories, and plays and poetry and newspaper articles. Thing is, I just wrote whatever was floating around in my head (or the assigned topic in the case of a newspaper article). I never took a class then, or in college, that gave me any really idea of how to create a believable character, or structure a plot, or whatever.....I just "did it"

so, do I still have a story or two to write? well, maybe, but I have no idea anymore how to start.

Can I blog? Well, yes, it appears so, since I have 3 of these running and I seem to be able to write a recipe and a few paragraphs about its source, or keep up a running commentary on the other art work I'm creating, but I don't seem to have the faintest idea of how to start a story.

is it possible to write a story without knowing at the beginning how it will end? how is it that the idea for that civil war era novel is still floating around, but I have no clue how to start (ok, I have done a brief character description for ONE character, but I don't seem to know those other people)

and so I'm puzzling about this....how is it you can "forget" how to do this, or was it simply that when I was 17 I didn't even think about the structure, I read a lot and I wrote a lot......

having read several of Julia Cameron's books, I know that if you're going to write, you have to do it every day, and I'm managing to do that by blogging (I don't miss a lot of days), but that is not giving me any real direction....NUTS!

hmmmmmm, perhaps having some direction is the problem......

and so I consider this rambling a sort of "asking the higher power" as Cameron puts it, and thinking that perhaps someone in blogland will run across this and drop me an idea or two.....