Friday, March 30, 2007

on being a year older

actually I don't feel any older than I did yesterday, there's something that happens along the way with age....I'm only one day older than I was yesterday, even tho' I now will write down a different number

I've been working this past week on trying to actually get some research done for an idea that's been perking for a long time. For years I've had this little notebook with ideas and descriptions and timelines in it for this idea. The notebook is one of those smaller, non-spiral ones that usually have a mottled black and white cover, only this one is pink. Right now I don't know where it is.....I've finally started seriously working on this and true to form, I've lost the notebook.

After a bit of searching I've decided to just forge ahead. I know I'll find the thing and meantime there are a lot of ideas floating in my head that I'm trying to get down on paper (ok, into a Word file!)

The obvious main character for this thing is a man, and I just can't seem to get into the idea of writing it from his point of view, so I'm working on ideas to write it from his wife's point of view instead....

and so it goes.....

I've been thinking about a lot of other things too this week. As we are approaching Easter, last night I was watching the Reconciliation Service from Rome. Part of the service was about asking for forgiveness for those 7 Deadly set me to thinking about one in particular -- Pride

Which led me to this question: how do we achieve humility without beating ourselves up? Isn't there a difference between boasting and simply acknowledging the compliment given?

For as long as I can remember I have had the desire to be the best at something and have everyone know it. I never before thought of that as sin. An interesting thing to contemplate.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

finding a life, part II

WARNING!! This post contains major whining! Proceed at your own risk!

A bear artist I know has gotten a contract from a manufacturing company to design some pieces.

I'm happy for her, but it did send me into the "why can't I ever" etc., etc

I had thought (ok, probably set myself up to be disappointed) that being the featured artist in a publication would give us a boost and create enough interest to generate at least one order -- it didn't

So I'm trying to be less angry about my inability to "break into the big time" and have that kind of success with these things -- I guess just finally giving up fighting it and deciding its never going to happen. After 25 years I think anyone that's ever heard of us either likes what they see, or doesn't and changing isn't near as effective and making the "right" impression in the first place

I wonder actually if the market is at a saturation point and I'm just not creating what the market is looking for. Certainly our attempts to make any sales through the internet have had only very limited success, and shows are fun, but not real cost effective right now.

We'll be doing all new stuff for the April show -- a sort of test with new animals, new set up

I guess I'm looking for a "sign" here -- is this inability to "make it" a message that I should change direction? Who knows...

I know that I really enjoy doing the beadwork too, but there are a lot of the same issues with the selling venue there too....shows are LOTS of work, and sometimes you get zilch for it....

So where is this all going? I'm not at all sure, I just hope I know it when I see it....

Thursday, March 22, 2007

anger turned in.....

someone defined depression that way in a piece I read recently.

Ok, maybe in the way of a 12 step plan.....hello, I'm Bev, and I'm pissed....

only problem is a lot of that anger is not only turned in but directed at every STUPID choice or act I've ever made or done......

and raging at not being able to find a way to fix any of it....yes folks, I'm a "fixer"....they say that is a man's trait, to want to fix problems....well, I either want them to get fixed or have them go away

and have no clue how to make either thing happen

......I saw a picture of that new glass shelf over the Grand Canyon, where you can look 4000 feet straight thanks.....I'm doing my own version..........standing in mid air with no net

and then there is fear.....

my husband and I had a shouting match a while back and he said THOSE words..."you're just like your mother" .... to which I think "say it one more time and I'm out the door" except that some days I'm afraid I might become her, and that is pretty scary ....

its always about money ... ever notice people fight about that a lot .... but of course its being afraid of what happens when there isn't enough of it that causes the trouble for me.....

when I was a kid my parents declared bankrupcy....they were just in over their heads because of ... well, I don't really know why, which is part of the problem -- they never talked about it, they never explained what was happening, and the only thing I knew was that people were coming and taking things -- the car, the new refridgerator -- and I didn't understand ... and I was afraid ... and there you are

which I guess explains why I'm struggling right now, trying to find ways to make a little more in whatever (legal) way I can.....loosing that consulting job hurt a lot, and since it just fell into my lap in the first place, I don't know how to find another one

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

finding a life.....

We're musical junkies at our house. That is, we will watch musicals over and over, and sometimes interject parts of dialog or lyrics into our day to day conversations.

One of the musicals that my daughter loved and watched over and over and over was The Sound of Music. There is a line where Mother Superior is talking to Maria and telling her that the walls of the convent can't be used to hide behind, that she has to find her life.

It occurred to me recently that in a way that is what I am doing once again.

We spend a lot of our lives looking to some future event. When we are very small we look forward to going to school. When we are teenagers we look forward to driving and graduating from high school. Then we progress to looking forward to getting married, having children, building a career. When our children are growing up, we go through the stages again: sending them to school, having them graduate from high school and college, then getting them married.

We are at that stage in our lives. We are no longer part of any corporate job. Our daughter has graduated from college and will be married in August. what?

I saw an article in the paper yesterday about a 96 year old man that has just had his novel printed. He's working on the sequel and has a third book in the planning. He talked about writing to fill the time.

A couple of weeks ago I clipped an article about a woman that ending up writing her novel when she was injured and was confined to bed for a lengthy period of time.

I'm considering papering the wall around my computer desk.

The articles whisper to me "don't give up"....

the internal critic says "who do you think YOU are?"

its an dialog that sometimes keeps me awake at night........

So, I guess I need to find my life.....

Friday, March 16, 2007

music, music, music

my daughter sent me the most wonderful email ..... a whole page of links to YouTube music clips....wonderful things:

Josh Groban doing musical theatre (Anthem from Chess, Soundheim's Not While I'm Around, and The Music of the Night from the Phantom of the Opera)

Mandy Patakin doing pieces from Evita

Brian Stokes Mitchell and Audra McDonald doing a piece from Ragtime

I love it! More, I want More!!

I'm the only one in my family that has never had any kind of musical training....but I love it just the same.....bring on the bucket with the lead lid (required for carrying a tune, you know), and I'll warble along with just about any kind of musical theatre.....

(ok, I confess, I did teach myself to play the piano....I wanted to play Moonlight Sonata, and at one point, I actually could -- probably not exactly the way it should be played, but I loved the fact that I had mastered the notes in the right sequence all the way through....practice, practice, practice!! Its sort of like wanting to run before you can crawl, which probably really describes my approach to a lot of things!!)

I'll be humming all day.......

Friday, March 09, 2007

what's wrong with us?

In our area this week it was revealed that a group of junior high school kids (boys and girls) used their cell phones to take nude pictures of themselves and share them around.

Today the news reported that all of them may be charged with crimes that will require them to register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives.

HELLO!!! What's wrong with this picture?

Lets see: we expose them to sexual content their whole lives, they see the girl on American Idol "strut her stuff" and get publicity for it, they see Britney Spears walk around half naked (or more) and get rich. Then when they try to mimic what they see, the "justice" (??) system is going to punish them and ruin their lives with the sex offender thing.

Now, don't get me wrong, I think this whole thing was a bad idea, but the folks that need punishing is the parents!

Why does a 12 or 13 year old need a cell phone with a camera? Why are they being allowed to idolize Britney? Why are they being allowed to watch American Idol and Survivor and Anne Nichole's TV show? Why doesn't anyone thing they need to PARENT anymore?

Let's take each and every one of the mothers and fathers of those kids and think of some appropriate punishment for them, and someone help those kids sort out what was wrong with this whole idea.