Monday, October 13, 2008

fighting the "what if" monster

When I was walking yesterday morning I snapped some pictures of the fall colors in our neighborhood.

This one is just around the loop from our house, on the downhill side of the beginning of my walking route.

It had rained some on Saturday night, and everything was dripping, and the sun had just come up, hitting this tree with this spectacular light

The picture doesn't do it justice -- the tree "glowed"

Somehow, it just begged to be photographed

I feel the need to write about some difficult things this morning.

For the past 2 years I've been concerned especially about the health of my dad.

He had surgery for esophageal cancer, then developed an abdominal hernia which they will not repair because they don't want to do surgery on him again unless they must because he has lung issues (COPD and emphysema). All of these problems inpact him.

Recently he and my mom decided to take out a reverse mortgage on their home so they would have some financial breathing room. My sister helped them deal with the paperwork and the setting up of accounts, etc., and I worried from afar.

Frankly, I've been concerned these past few months if he is just tidying up loose ends.

The last two times I've seen him he seems fragile. He doesn't talk much when we're actually there and he doesn't answer the phone any more when we call -- just mom does.

And I wish I could talk about this whole thing in a more open way with my sister. It's not that we don't talk -- we can chat for hours about knitting and our animals and music and all of that, but our upbringing didn't teach us to talk about BIG stuff -- like what does she see and how does she feel about it.

As usual, I pour my worry and my energy into creative endeavors -- working on more projects keeps my hands and my head busy and helps me hold off the "what if" monster in my brain when I'm working.

So, my dear readers, forgive me for this intensely personal post.

and say a prayer for my dad


Kay Dennison said...

Forgive you? For what? For worrying about your dad? Nevah! Nevah! Nevah! If ya can't get personal on your blog, where can you? We love ya, Bev, so vent anytime!

Bev said...

thanks Kay!

Bear Naked said...

I have added your father to my prayer list.

Bear((( )))

Bev said...

thanks Bear!