Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Thoughts about humiliation

I've decided that I need to share a deep dark secret to keep someone dear to me from having to repeat the error of our ways

It has to do with humiliation and the horrid things it can do to a relationship

Here's the secret:

Back when my daughter was about 9 (she's almost 25 now, so this was about 16 years ago), I let her have her hair cut without consulting her dad about it.

He went balistic (to put it mildly); berating me and saying some really unkind hurtful things -- now these things happen, but the worst part of it was that he did it in front of my parents.

To say it put a wall between us is a major understatement -- it created an atmosphere, mostly on my end that lead to some other very poor choices and some huge problems later.

It also took me until just recently (yes 16 years later!!) to be able to say out loud to him how that incident hurt (and scarred) me

I over heard someone the other day do a similar thing over something small. I could see the hurt in the person's eyes, and I know that person felt that same sting of humiliation.

So here's my piece of advice: you're going to have disagreements over little stuff (and big stuff) -- you'll need to discuss them -- please, for the sake of your love for each other and your future together, save it for when its just the two of you -- spare that pride and feeling of self worth in your partner by not humiliating them in front of anyone else (think about how you'd feel about it if the situation was reversed)

You'll both feel better for it

1 comment:

Kay Dennison said...

Good advice! I'd take it a step further and recommend that one should never, ever say anything hurtful to anyone. Tact is definitely better tacky. Hyper-critical people irritate my last nerve.