I am ashamed.....

to say I am an American.

Now before you start flame throwing, hear me out....

My dad is part of the Greatest Generation. He was a sailor in WWII, and his entire generation sacraficed a lot to put an end to the reign of a tyrant.

Yesterday my government (well, not really, since my vote seemed to count for naught), decided it is ok to torture people to get information.

Now here's the deal....the only "information" you get when you torture someone is whatever they think you want to hear. Any one of us under the right situation will say ANYTHING, true or not, to make the pain stop.

So, now we're going to make this all nice and legal so there won't be any war crimes trials when all of this is over....we've added a new "legal" twist to this...too bad Hitler didn't think to do that before the war, it would have saved a lot of his guys the legal hassels after the war.....

Oh yes, and just why do we think the "enemy" will have any compunctions about torturing any of our soldiers if they get the chance? Haven't we seen enough heads cut off on grainy video feeds to know they will not think twice about returning the favor to us?

We have seeming learned nothing......it must be true......"we have met the enemy and he is us".....

yes, I'm ashamed today to be an American

OK, one person can.....

change the date that is. My daughter and her fiance have changed the date to August 18, 2007.....seems he has a cousin that is getting married August 4, and they are trying to spare his family 2 weekends of back to back weddings.....nice kids!

And don't you love this picture of them? They are adorable together.

So, that is my "proud mom" brag for today!!

what's that ringing sound?

ok....its the distant sound of wedding bells!

my daugher called to tell us that the young man she has been dating for months asked her to marry him and she said yes.


hmmmmm, do I look like a "mother in law" to you......

I know there will be LOTS of sewing to do here for this affair....lets see, bride's dress, maid of honor dress, bride's maid dresses x 2, flower girl....oh yeah, and I'll probably have to come up with something for me to wear.....WOW!!

I'm extremely glad that we have done such a great job teaching her how to do a long range plan for a big project.....she's already writing lists (that's my girl!!!)....which will make it much easier for all involved

OK, no one (and I do mean NO ONE!) is allowed to schedule anything for the two weeks around August 11, 2007

NUTS!??

I clipped this picture out of our local newspaper.

Its amazing how we have no issue with picking up a little wild animal to have it cared for but a good number of us won't do the same for a child.....{sigh}

Anyway, it is a cute picture of the squirrel, and my lab wants me to get her one with a broken leg so she has a chance to actually catch it (those in the neighborhood with 4 good legs are just too quick for her!)

Fall's coming....

I know that anyone that can read a calendar knows that, but you can feel it in the air here.

Yesterday we mowed the lawn in the back yard and planted some grass seed in the bare spots that had developed back there earlier in the summer.

While the mowing was going on, I was cutting up some of the branches of the lilac bush we had taken out.

It was warm, but not like summer warm...something cooler about the air even tho' the sun feels warm.

At the end of the working we could sit on the porch and talk about the projects we need to do next like replacing some of the trim on the tool shed and getting a coat of paint on it before the snow season starts. I'll probably have to repaint the door on the storage shed too....

Its nice tho to be able to work outside without fear of sunstroke....

I like fall. I know its the end of summer, but it has always felt like a beginning too, and I think that may have to do with our training as children....the fall was the beginning of school. This year fall is the beginning of new projects too.

So, I'm watching now for the leaves to start falling off the trees....

The reward of hard work.....

sometimes is getting paid to do it!

I spent several hours yesterday with my accounting client, and will have to spend some time at home working on some things for him.....for instance, the August bank statement needs my attention.

Its amazing to me how all of the seemingly random tasks that I did for 30 years in the corporate world have suddenly taken on a new meaning. All those little details picked up by doing payables, receivables, payroll, inventory, cost accounting.....just seemed like jobs at the time.

I now have the chance to make sense of all of that with some logical plan for my client and a reasonable explanation of every change that needs to be made...for instance: why you never throw away a time card; why you don't throw away a voided check; why you keep a file cabinet with employee records locked; and a dozen other little things that don't matter to a really little business with no employees, but can be a major issue once you become even an LLC

And so, today I'm being thankful for having learned all of those things that are now, at a time when I really need it, being translated into what my daughter so gleefully describes as "billable hours"......cashing that first check (which I received yesterday) will be sweet!

Not being able to avoid...

the question of the day....where were you 5 years ago?

Well, I remember it clearly, my daughter had gone off to college not a month before and was 1000 miles away, and we believed we had just sold our house, so I was packing boxes that day.

My husband had to be at work at the usual early hour, so we were up, and had CNN on the TV. I had just let the dog out the back door when the second plane hit...and I remember saying to my husband, "something is going on in New York"....now that was a masterpiece of understatement!

I hear people talk about how sad they were (or still are), but I admit I went right to the "seeing red" stage, being totally outraged that this had happened.

So, am I the strange one? I guess it might be one of my ways of dealing with difficult things......perhaps rage is more acceptable than tears......perhaps not.

One thing for certain, I'm still mad 5 years later, but mad at other things ... that we have done practically nothing successful to find Osama, that in order to go into a stadium I have to be searched, and I will never fly again because I cannot be sure I would be able to endure what it takes quietly

I believe what one of our founding fathers said: When we give up our freedom to be secure, we are neither free or safe!

listening for a calling.....

When I started this blog, the idea was that it would be somewhere apart from the studio stuff where I could just rant/ramble/babble about whatever was on my mind.

For the most part it has served that purpose well, and brought about a rather interesting group of comments, even from folks that I didn't know were reading it.

So, today, a bit of personal and/or spiritual thought

First of all, I think I'm a scripural snob.

Lets begin with I'm old ... old enough that the King James Version of the Bible is the one that "sounds right" ... I understand that God is multi-lingual, hears and answers in all languages, but to me the "language of prayer" will always be that older English style. There is more poetry and perhaps some sense of being invited into something special and different from the everyday world, and that seems to be the right thing for worship.

So, last evening, as I was listening to the reading from Isaiah, I had this sense that something was missing.....this morning I opened my old KJV and read the passage there......and understood what inspired yet another piece of Messiah

Anyway, back to the listening for a calling subject....I would like to be more involved with something at the Church. I know that some of my family has been able to serve by singing, but that does not appear to be in the cards for me. The Church has many groups right now that are looking for teachers of adults, teens and children, but I do not feel qualified to do that. So, this week, as I read in my old KJV, I will try to listen too.......

Paper dolls, artist bios and history according to bloggers

I mailed them off today. Two sheets of dolls and clothes, a background art sheet and the hardest part, the artist bio. Now we just wait and see if they "meet muster" and actually get used.

I've been thinking about the difference in the way history will be viewed from now on. Traditionally, history is written by the victors. After all, one man's patriot is another man's insurgent.

The papers are full of articles about 9/11 again as we approach 5 years out. This will be another one of those dates that those of us that were alive will forever be able to tell exactly where we were and what we were doing. (For people my age, other such days were when John Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr, and Bobby Kennedy were shot. For my parents its Pearl Harbor and D Day as well).

Because of the internet and the growing blog culture, there is much more "history" that is the personal reconciliation of the common man. I think that is a good thing, and it is definately more interesting than memorizing names and dates and battles. It gives history a feel of the impact on individual lives.

Blog on my friends! Blog on!!

and another new "job"

While I was reading one of the magazines I get, a letter to the editor wanted to know if they were going to be printing any paperdolls anytime soon.

I decided to be bold and wrote the editor an email referencing that letter and asking if they would be interested in do so and if they would like to see some that I had done.

SHOCK! They said yes!! So, I'm busy creating the original art work they want and it needs to be in the mail on Wednesday for the deadline on the Christmas issue.

Oh joy!! I might actually get paid to draw and color!!! YIPPEE!!

Ok, enough foolishness, back to the "drawing board"!!

anger about the way things are

Today is the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. I spent days just glued to CNN last year, watching with growing horror and then anger over what was happening especially in New Orleans.

This morning I was watching CNN where they were showing pictures of New Orleans again. You'd think the storm was yesterday. Its so sad to see the hugh piles of trash and row upon row of empty houses, their broken windows like dead open eyes looking out without seeing on vacant streets.

And the people who "survived" this past year are still recovering too. Some of them still suffering badly with post traumatic stress, and all of the unbelievable financial burdens caused by a government's broken promises and the absolutely unbelievably immoral behaviour of insurance companies that will do anything to avoid paying these people.

As I watched, I felt still that seeing red, screaming at the top of my lungs, anger that I felt when I watched all of that nightmare unfold last year. A country that claims to be the best in the world has to do better.

I'm also angry because I feel helpless to do very much to make any change in this situation. At least now I am participating in a group that makes afghans to give to survivors of the storm. Its not much, but it is something that I can do from where I am with what I have. I hope that somehow that little bit of caring will touch the lives of some of the survivors and give them hope and a sense that someone out here DOES care.

If you knit or crochet and would like to participate in this group's activity, you can go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/squares4survivors/ and sign up to join us. If you don't knit or crochet and would like to help out, they also accept donations of yarn for other's to do the work with.

And so tonight I close with a prayer for all of those who are struggling with surviving after the storm and a prayer for the souls of all those that lost their lives in it.

Good night and God bless.

The cycle of nature....

Last weekend the art show we participated in was in a park in St Joseph, MO.

Our booth was in the shade of a lovely old hickory tree. During the weekend we had time to really see that tree, and I took these pictures.

Looking up into the tree, you see the leaves creating the lovely shady canopy that we enjoyed all weekend.




I know that went we visit St Joseph again this lovely tree will be gone. The city has already marked it for removal before it topples over and hurts someone.

At the base of the tree, the circle of life is playing out as the carpenter ants have taken over, feasting on the sweet sap of the tree, eating away at it, hollowing it out.

The tree is dying, but it is fighting on to the last.

Nature is cruel, but it is also brave.

about leaping.....

A while back I had begun looking for some way to bring in some extra money without going back to the whole 8 to 5 grind.

Well, I believe I have found it!

Thursday morning as I was just "recovering" from a visit to my doctor, I got a phone call from a local potter that needs someone to help him set up a new system to keep track of his customers, inventory, etc.

Evidently, he had found my phone number on a local website where I had posted it at least 2 years ago. Amazing!

So, having met with him on Friday to talk about generalities, today I will meet with him and his wife (who has been doing the book work) to review what they are doing right now....then we can figure out what to do next.

This is truly a case of what Julia Cameron calls "asking the universe for what you need". By whatever word you choose to use, in this case it is an answer to prayer, now I will continue to pray that I will be able to know the right things to do so my client will be pleased with my work.

growing up in the Fun House

I've been reading Julia Cameron's book titled Supplies and thinking especially about her chapter on growing up in the Fun House. Its actually a very good description.

So what do we see in those Fun House mirrors? Certainly not a true reflection of who we are, but a sort of wavey, almost underwater, blurry form reflected through the filters of what others expect us to be.

Perhaps we need to spend some time in front of truly reflective mirrors telling ourselves that we can be whatever we want to be beginning now.

Slaying the dragons of self doubt needs lots of work at reprogramming.

So here is my positive thought for today: I forgive myself for what ever real or imagined bad thing I have done, and I deserve to move on to what I want to do.

collecting information and wondering how to start

For quite a number of years I've had this idea for a story (novel?) that I have been collecting information for. I have folders and pictures and notes, but no idea how to get this started. So, I'm thinking I'll just start in the middle and work my way out to the edge....I'm thinking this will be the writing equivalant of dropping a pebble in a pond -- you never know how wide the ripples will spread!

So, today's assignment for myself: Description of a character for the story, so here it is:

Character Description – “Tildi”

She was tall for a woman of her time, nearly 5’5”, and thin for a woman with four children. When she was young, she might have been called willowy, now she was just a thin woman with lines around her eyes from working in the sun.

Perhaps her strongest feature was her hair. Long, of course, for no Christian lady would cut her hair off except in severe illness, it was thick, heavy and a deep auburn color. Now there were a few strands of silver among the dark as well. She wore it parted in the center, pulled into a snug braid that was then pinned into a knot at the base of her neck.

Her eyes were light, not blue or gray or green or brown, but a mixture of blue and green with golden brown flecks. When she was angry or had been crying they appeared very green.

After years of working to keep a home, her hands were still slim with long fingers, but they were strong and had the callous of splitting firewood, tending a garden and wringing out laundered clothing.

As a woman on the plains of Arkansas in 1860, she was a rarity of another sort, she could read and write. Her mother had seen to it that she and all her brothers and sisters had learned to read early on, and now she was teaching her own children out of the Bible her father had given she and her husband as a wedding gift. That Bible was her family’s record book as well, where each birth and death and marriage was carefully recorded.

What I'm learning about blogging....

is that it can be addictive! I've stumbled onto the blogs of a group of writers (published and otherwise) and I'm seriously fasinated, and beginning to think there's something to this writing thing after all.

So, how is it folks that blog get all those "friends"? I'd love to start yet another one just to put writing in, but I'm not sure if its worth the effort if no one is reading.....

the fog is lifting

after a long discussion with the pharamacist, I am now taking a totally different medication for the heartburn.

I can feel already (after 2 days off the other pill) that the depression has gotten less severe, now I just wonder how long the nightmares will continue ... I'm thankful that I don't remember them when I wake up, but it does make sleeping a little frightening

The up side of the depression was that I just working on cleaning and tidying and putting away, so the work area is a lot cleaner right now....I'm hoping that won't last!!

Meantime, I have requested a list of the approved doctors on the medical plan so I can try to find someone that will actually take the time to listen to me and try to "connect the dots" so we get some kind of picture instead of just a too close view of a pointillistic painting!!

medical bulls**t

I am now totally convinced that doctors are idiots...or at least the one we've been seeing is. Here are my examples for today:

Part I: Post Polio Syndrome

My husband had polio as a child, and in the last 6 months or so, he has begun to have a burning sensation in his leg where there basically has been no feeling and no muscle since he had the polio. He asked the doctor at his last visit to get him some information and/or refer him to a specialist to have this evaluated. After my having to make TWO follow up phone calls to his office, the doctor called back and basically told him it could be post polio syndrome, or maybe not, and at first discussion was going to give him some sort of medication (who knows what!) and it was "no big deal".

Needless to say, I was less than pleased with that response, and so was Nick, so I did some on-line research. The consensus of doctors in the field at this stage of things is that because he had all three types of polio with significant muscle issues in that leg, that he may or may not actually have PPS, but that he should be evaluated by a doctor trained in neuromuscular disorders to rule out other issues as well.

I'm thinking that since this requires a speciality that the doctor's group doesn't have, he's not going to do anything about a referal unless we press the issue. I will be doing more research.


Part II -- RX, depression and other issues

Part of the reason for the somewhat erratic posting on this blog in the past couple of months has been that I have had persistant issues with depression, especially in the last 3 weeks since I had seen the doctor. After yesterday's RAGE over the lack of proper information that Nick was given, I began (in my muddled little brain) to question what I was being told.

I couldn't figure out why since the doctor's visit this issue had seemed to grow out of my ability to control it, and I was seriously beginning to think I was ready for the "funny farm", not to mention it was making it impossible to get anything done on my art or anything else.

So, I decided to take a look at the on line information about the medications that have been prescribed for me.

Drug #1: Nadalol -- this is a beta blocker that I take for my blood pressure. The nice side benefit to me is that it also has totally eliminated the migraine headaches that I was plagued with. This is not the only version of this drug, and some of them (especially the newer ones) are less "toxic" in terms of side effects than others. The decision for me to use this one has been totally an issue of what it costs versus what some other ones cost, a decision which may need to be revisited after my researching.

What I learned today about the side effects of these drugs: fatigue, dry mouth, eyes and skin, trouble sleeping, nightmares, swelling of hands and feet, depression

Drug #2: Hydrochlorothiazide -- this is a diuretic that is given in combination with other high blood pressure medicines. I've been on this one for longer than I have the Nadalol.

What I learned today about the side effects of this drug: weakness, light sensitivity, rash, jaundice

Drug #3: Famotidine -- this is a medication that blocks acid production in the stomach. I began taking this medication (its available over the counter) to control the heartburn that I had been having that Tums and similiar products were not controlling. I did tell the doctor when I saw him that I was taking this medication and why, and his response was, "no problem, you can just keep taking that".

What I learned today about the side effects this drug: fatigue, muscle pain, depression, rash, jaundice

Why I think the doctor is an idiot: even though I have mentioned issues with swelling in my feet and a rash and the fact that the last blood work I had done showed an elevated liver enmzine, he seemed to have no problem telling me to keep taking the third drug and actually wanting me to add a fourth one (Tricor) that is supposed lower cholesterol but has side effects of fatigue, muscle pain and liver damage.

HELLO, what are we thinking here??

At any rate, today I will be having a long discussion with a pharmarcist and then making another phone call to my doctor's office. Meantime, I've stopped taking the Famotidine, and I can already feel some difference in the depression issue....

Medical care in this country is SERIOUSLY BROKEN!!!!

research?

I was able to get the submission guidelines for one of the two magazines I was looking for.....so now, working on 500 words about a bear show that I attended/participated in.....

Meantime, thinking about the long spoken of novel, or story, or whatever it is going to become. I stumbled on to a web site (ok, not exactly true, there was a wonderful article in the USA Today that talked about civil war locations and Shiloh was one of them), there is a lot of background information on this site that may be useful.

So, what does it mean that I seem to write in parathetical phrases? Maybe I just like the look of those cute symbols ([{<>}]) or is it because I can't focus on just one thought....everything being a cue to some other random rambling?

Today's exercise for writing: what kind of writing do I want to do?

1) Well, I'd really like to get the civil war story on paper (now if I can just let go of trying to be absolutely sure of what REALLY happened, and just let the story happen!)

2) the cookbook -- this sounds easy on the surface, but it also includes stories about the people the recipes came from -- and perhaps because of that, an easy place to start?

3) some kind of "how to" -- not sure what here, just that I think I know about a lot of stuff, and maybe someone else would be interested in what it is .... now to figure out which thing

4) something that earns me a little money ..... okay, this is probably the WORST reason to write, or maybe not, at least it provides some motive to continue and finish something....here I think the magazine articles are the best place to start

Ok, that's my list for today! Now to get some work done on something!

Working on a dare.....

or something like it. My daughter called me last night and asked me why it is a certain artist that I know can get paid to write for a magazine and I'm not. To quote her "you write better mom".....well, we'll take some of that as the "my dad can beat up your dad" type attitude, but it did set me to thinking.

So, I'm going to see if I can get editorial submission guidelines for the magazine she was looking at (as well as another one that is its competition), and see if I can submit something to each of these.